3 May 2001

Vice Chancellor, thank you for your invitation to deliver my address. I have to say that sometime after having been elected as Rector, the matter of the rectorial address arose in conversation and I merely thought that I was going to get a house with the job! I didn't know I was going to have to talk to this lot. It seems that while the old expression that there is no such thing as a free lunch might or might not be true, there certainly is no such thing as a free house. Apart from the four or five I visited earlier this afternoon during the "drag" through the streets.

Can I thank you all for turning up here for the installation, which I have to say sounds vaguely mechanical or maybe there's something going to take place that involves a plumber. I do hope so.

I'd like to express thanks also to the many people who have offered me their good wishes since I was elected.

Namely:
Shona Robison - MSP
Colin Smith - Angus and Dundee Tourist Board.

And from the University:
Irene Donaldson Head of Student Advisory Service and Equal Opprtunities Officer.
Allan Mackenzie Director of Development.
Barbara Boyle Alumni Relations Assistant.

I'd also like to put on public record my thanks to Bob Seaton, the outgoing (in both senses of the word) Secretary, Sir Alan Langlands and the rest of the members of The University Court for the warmth with which they have welcomed me.

But most of all, my thanks go to the student's. Leigh Adie who initially came and asked me to consider standing,to Mathew Marr who oversaw my campaign for election and who has since been elected as President of The Students' Association. To David Cunningham who is the current President and too damn efficient for someone of his tender years. Dave will be making his way in the big bad world very soon and he'll be a real asset to whichever organisation snaps him up.

And to each and every one of you who voted for me and to the quite literally thousands of you who didn't...a huge hearttelt thank-you. I really want to shake you all warmly by the... by the....by the time I've come to the end of my term.

I'd like to set out this afternoon by quickly establishing a few facts about Dundee, Scotland, Great Britain, the universe beyond and for 25 % of the student body, Northern Ireland. The reason for this is simple, for this address will be published and archived, retained for evermore on the world wide web and could be read at any point by anyone anywhere in the modern world. And Wales.

Here we are at the start of a new millennium, well not strictly at the start, but pretty close to it, and it's my honour and privilege to be the first rector elected this new millennium. I'm also the first rector of The University of Dundee since Scotland regained a Parliament. And as my mother always says, things come in threes, and as if to prove that very point, I'm the first rector to be appointed since Claudio Cannigia signed for Dundee F C.

This week an American civilian paid thirteen million pounds to the Russian space programme and became the first civilian into space. In years to come this might cease to be extraordinary and become ordinary as our children and their children take advantage of the British Space programme and have their holidays in outer space. For now though, we must remember that the British space programme is Dr Who and is on U.K. Play in the afternoons, just before The Bill.

It's May the 3rd...I'm padding now...but by the time I've done the date,the news, what's on television and the weather forecast there'll only be time for a few jokes and then we can retire next door to the Ustinov room for what Mr Ustinov himself would describe as a right few swallies. It is the third of May, and I know that you're starting to panic now, thinking that I wasn't joking about padding, but the date is very relevant. Tomorrow, May the fourth....be with you, one for the Star Wars fans there, would have been the day after the 2001 general election, had it not been for the current outbreak of foot and mouth disease causing a postponement. Sunday past was Census day so all in all it's not been an unentirely insignificant week, has it not? And if you can make sense of that last sentence, please stay behind and see me.

What I'm trying to say is that on the one hand we have great advances in technology resulting in space travel being a thing, not of the future, but ofthe present, whilst on the other hand we are incapable of treating an ancient animal disease resulting in huge pyres around the country. And a pyre is like a fire, but with a different consonant. Please, Carol. Countdown 4:30 Channel 4.

So who am I and why am I here? These are rhetorical questions, not a cry for help from a befuddled mind. Rectorial rhetoric if you want, which I'm sure you do. What has been my route to this stage?

I stand before you, proud, but thanks the lectern you'll just have to take my word for that. I'm a graduate of this University from 1978 in Accountancy and Jurisprudence, which even then I suspected might be the ideal combination for a career in stand-up comedy. I have never tried to conceal the fact that my three year ordinary M.A. took me four years to obtain and it was with this degree that I embarked on my career as an accountant, well it seemed almost logical, besides, scour as I did the newspapers' situations vacant columns, I couldn't find any employment vacancies for apprentice jurisprudents.

In 1993 I abandoned accountancy as a means of earning a salary and since then I've been self employed as a comedian, latterly on radio and television, and mainly here in Scotland, so apologies to those of you who haven't a clue who I am. It would be churlish of me, furthermore, to use this platform to make blatant advertisements for either my radio or television shows. And the purpose of my address this afternoon is to impart what little useful information I've gathered along the way to those fresh smiling faces I see before me. In amongst the not so fresh, not so smiling not so faces. I'll try to let you see that even though you might think that you're steering a steady course through the busy shipping lanes of life, you might get caught in a current and find yourself heading towards a very different shore. You may discover, and let's not forget that we are in the city of discovery, that your sails are ripped, that your hull is leaking or heaven forbid, that your mast has snapped in two. But, if you're of an adventurous mind, each of these setbacks will be overcome and the journey will continue, albeit perhaps in a slightly different direction.

There' s no way that I could have imagined whilst attending, and I say attending rather than studying at, this University that someday I'd return as rector. My goodness, when I was a student that was the job for someone like Clement Freud. Someone exactly like Clement Freud. To be accurate, Clement Freud. And had I stayed on in accountancy I'd never have been considered a likely candidate for election. "Shall we ask that company accountant in East Kilbride who's late with the July management accounts to stand for rector?" Doubtful. And I'm not effecting false modesty. I'm certain that if you look at my degree certificate you can see that in front of the words Ordinary and Degree, the word Very has been tippexed out.

So, from October 1978 until January 31St 1993....a period I reckon to be between twelve and seventeen years...I worked away in three jobs as an accountant and company secretary. Nursing a secret ambition to try stand-up comedy, I ventured into this showbiz world on the 19th of May 1988, and the rest as they say is geography. My career since then has been varied, I've worked in Hong Kong, America, France, Australia as well as here believe it or not in The U.K. I've met royalty, First Ministers (I've met the first first minister and indeed the second first minister) ambassadors, cultural attaches, attache cases and more importantly, the cast of Neighbours and two of my predecessors namely Clement Freud and Tony Slattery. I've still not met Stephen Fry, but I hope that this situation can be amended as I intend to ask Radio Four' s Just A Minute to come to Dundee for a rector's special. Stephen was a great rector for this University, and as testimony to that one of the bars in the student's union is named after one of his literary works.... "The Liar". And as I mentioned earlier, there will be a small reception for a few invited guests next door in The Ustinov room, named after another former rector: Sir Peter Ustinov Room. If my period in office is half as successful as theirs, then I wonder if the students will honour me in the same way. If they do, I look forward to welcoming you all to "The Daily Record Road Supplement guest column 29th June 1998 Bar" sometime in the future.

I've done great number of odd jobs. I've worked as a studio warm up man for such programmes as Have I Got New For You? and Rory Bremner Who Else? That's the name of the show, not an enquiry as to who else I've done warm up for. Although had you asked I'd have replied Paul Merton. A strange job, to go into a room with about 400 people who have never been together before and get them in a good mood so that they'll laugh when the real comedy begins. What great training for this afternoon. Now all of this might seem to you like a precis of my comedy c.v. but I'm trying to give you an insight to all of the things that I've done in my working life that have lead me here to stand in front of you today. By letting you know that it's only because of what I've done before that I have the confidence and ability to make this address. To let you know that you too may find yourselves in a situation that you never expected. Not in your wildest dreams. And I can say that in all honesty, when I was a student, I never dreamt in my wildest dreams that I'd be here today.

Besides, my wildest dreams didn't include me standing in a room full of people with any of my clothes on. In fact, many of my tamest dreams didn't include me standing in a room full of people with any of my clothes on. Wildest dreams would have Nastassia Kinski and Honey and Guinness and...sorry I digress.

I've worked with sportsmen, men who have played at the highest level, representing, and in some cases captaining, their country. I can think of no greater achievement than that. Only last week I was a guest of the students at the Sports Association Blues and Colours dinner and the fine tradition of excellence in sports here at Dundee continues. I've worked with motivational speakers at conferences. We all know that this city has ties with Antartica, the Discovery has become a focal point for tourism and learning. I've met Antartic explorers like Robert Swan and Olympic coach Frank Dick. In fact, I'd like to tell you a brief funny story about that. Frank is a great motivational speaker. He reckons that there are two distinctly different types of people in society. He describes them as "mountain" people and "valley" people, not because of where they happen to live, but rather, depending on their outlook on life. He's employed by many large corporations to fire up the enthusiasm of their employees and to motivate them at their work. It was whilst working with Frank for a major Scottish Financial Institution that I discovered the importance of taking a breath in the middle of a sentence. Frank had to ask me to ensure that I placed a careful pause in his introduction, which I did and I can tell you he was received with greater warmth by the second audience when I introduced him as "Frank Dick...Head Coach of The British Olympic Athletics Team. " I'll explain if necessary.

I mention these conferences, not to show off that I'm busy, although I am and that's great, but to highlight the fact that even successful companies recognise that there is still room for learning throughout life, even for their senior management and directors. So, it's with regret that I have to say that for many of you your learning won't end when you are awarded your degrees on graduation. Scotland and Scottish cities are becoming more and more aware of the importance of Lifelong Learning. We even have a minister for Lifelong Learning in The Scottish Executive. At least we did the last time I looked. You have to be prepared to keep learning, to keep striving to achieve your potential, to be ready to say "Yes" when "No" would be the easier option or vice versa. Life can be easy. Life can be simple, but to have any sense of fulfilment you must be prepared to learn at any stage in your life. There will be people here in this room who sit down regularly and watch television programmes beamed here from the

United States, like The Jerry Springer Show. And I have to ask why? You will learn absolutely nothing from that except that there is an endless stream of trailer trash willing to appear in front of the cameras for the entertainment of the remainder of the trailer trash who have stayed in the trailer park glued to their television sets. And the personal financial gain of the host. So tempting as it may be to occasionally watch such claptrap, I urge you not to. Far better to watch something of quality from BBC Scotland's magnificent output ...especially their homegrown entertainment talent.

So having depressed you with those thoughts, how can I cheer you up? Well the first piece of good news is that contrary to what many of you bright young things were told during your teenage years, your schooldays are NOT the happiest days of your life. Imagine being seventeen or eighteen and being told that that was that as far as happiness was concerned! There's no reason why your university days should be just as happy. And your university nights even happier. It's a great period of change as you move from innocence to experience. This could be the time of your life. For many of you it's the first time away from parental interference, sorry influence, the first opportunity to get absolutely legless drunk without having to get up at 8:00 the next morning to go and fill shelves in the local Tesco store. It's possibly the time you'll experience the first sexual fumblings......when there's actualy someone else in the room! Someone else who is as actively engaged in the same fumbling as you are! I know this because I have been there. Belmont Hall B2 14. 1974. And C block and G block. Once in H block, but never in A block, because it was full of Malaysian engineering students and to be honest I was never that drunk!

This is the time of your lives. Going out on a Thursday evening, maybe not getting back till the Sunday. Why not! I'm not encouraging it, I'm merely saying that it happens and it's not going to happen again in your lives. Not without some serious explaining to your wife or husband at any rate. It's a time to be carefree, except of course when work gets in the way. Without sounding too parental, you can only fully enjoy the fun when the hard work is done.

And let me tell you another thing from my own experience. Many of you will have come to this university having applied to others and in many cases having considered others and in some cases because nowhere else would have you. You will never, ever regret your choice of university. Or the university' s choice of you if you're in the latter category. You won't ever have cause to ponder the what ifs of your choice. For your time here is another piece in the complicated jigsaw of your lives. Obviously not all of you are completing the same jigsaw. For some of you it's a fifteen hundred piece affair depicting the various historic British battles through the ages. For others it' s twenty piece Teletubbies picture. In vinyl.

Every day spent in this city will heln make you the person that you will become. Every hour spent in tutorials. Every hour of every lecture YOU attend and many of the ones YOU miss. Every hour spent standing at the bar entwined with your new lover. Well minutes then. And the greatest thing of all, the absolute cherry on top of the cream on top of the icing on top of a very nice spongy cake.... is that when you graduate it is for life. You will be a Dundee graduate for the rest of your lives. Not Just for one sun kissed July afternoon on the steps of the Caird Hall but for the rest of your lives. And don't look at me like that, it's always good weather on graduation days.

Let me say it once again.....you will always be a graduate. No-one, as far as I'm aware, can come and take your degree away from you. There will always be an emotional tie with this city and this University. You'll all at some point say "Really, I was there too....When did you graduate? ...Didyou know?...No way! So did I!" And you won't have a clue who he or she was talking about.

It's an exciting time for Scotland. I can't ignore the fact that, with the grace of God, our future King is to continue his education across the water in Fife at another university. Let's not pretend that it's not happening, because it surely is. And St Andrews will be awash with beautiful intelligent wealthy young American heiresses all hoping to snare His Royal Highness...ness. My advice to the young men here today is that come October, I'd be getting myself over there double quick to bag me an heiress, because they're not all going to get within a whiff of Wills. One for the old tobacco enthusiasts there. Go on. Tell these young ladies that you're (hmmffpth) in line to the Scottish throne and that you've got a huge post gothic pile in the borders. She won't know if it's a castle or a medical complaint. I'm only joking lads. Why would you head over there when this establishment is utterly awash with beauty. I read with great interest last year that Dundee University was considered to be the sexiest university in the whole of Britain, and I've seen nothing to persuade me otherwise. I hope I haven't caused the average sexiness to drop too much. Hopefully not, as a sense of humour is often seen as an admirable quality by young folk looking for a partner. At least that's what I'm told by people who read magazines with that type of questionnaire in them.

Now, with no apparent attempt at a link whatsoever, I heard last week that a famous Dundonian had been contacted by a newspaper journalist and asked if he thought that I'd be a fitting rector for the university, given that I had made jokes at Dundee's expense. I'm a comedian. I make jokes. I make jokes about my children, my wife, my family, my country, my own home town, myself, my body, my hair, my friends and my friend's hair. I make jokes about just about everything that is dear to me, with the exception of my friend's hair. That is the nature of comedy. Primarily it's entertainment, and if it' s at all thought provoking then so much the better. But it's intended to cause laughter, not offence. I used to worry if we received a letter of complaint to the radio show. (2-95 FM) (810 medium wave) (8:45to 10:00) (Monday to Friday) but having seen our listening figures go up year after year, I realise that it's true what they say you can't please all of the people all of the time and you can't please some of the people ....ever!

So I think that I am a fitting rector for the university. I'll be a regular visitor and hopefully a worthy ambassador for the university and the students. I look forward to seeing the university continue it's growth. It's still fairly recognisable physically from when I was studying (there's a laugh) here, but the numbers have nearly trebled. That's-more than twice, for those of you still in third year accountancy. I look forward to attending the meetings of the university court and to the occasional dinner with the students, and who knows perhaps the odd pint with them when they're not dragging me round the city in a big pram.

I've written in the past about how we often don't appreciate how fortunate we are till we see those less fortunate than ourselves. It's simply human nature that we forget, but we're all pretty fortunate here today. I'm sure that you all wish that you were a wee bit better off financially, but trust me that will come. For all of you there will be a moment when you realise that the loans are paid off, that the bank statement is no longer in the red and that at long last you're financially secure. I don't know when that'll be, but when it happens to me you'll be the first to know. The fact is that you're intelligent, healthy in the main, and have got wonderful opportunities ahead of you. The economy is in good shape, despite the technology sector trying it's best to bring down the Financial Times Share Indices, and the prospect of employment for graduates are excellent. Sorry if I've disappointed you with that one. Dundee as a city is gathering a reputation as a centre of artistic excellence and the University is held in high regard world-wide for it's work in cancer research. Many of you might decide to stay on and look for work right here and who could blame you. It's a fine city in which to bring up a family.

Last year I was invited to become an ambassador for The Prince's Scottish Youth Business Trust. Through my work with them I've met many young Scottish people who have set up and run successful companies in the face of adversity. Many of them were unable to raise funding to start a business from any other source and the PSYBT stepped in to give them the financial resources to start up. As working practices change, many of you will have to think of being self-employed where twenty or thirty years ago you could easily have joined a company straight from university thinking that it would be a job for life. If these disadvantaged kids can start a business, then so can you. It might not always succeed, but don't be afraid of failure. We should learn from the American that a business failure does not automatically equate to a personal failure. Be brave and go for it, I say. Scotland isn't connected to the word Braveheart for nothing. Indeed the film of that name which was made by that great Scottish actor Mel Gibson, reminded me that Sir William Wallace himself may well have been educated in Dundee, something that Mel Gibson clearly took the trouble to research for his role. It was clear to me that Mel's voice coach had insisted on at least some Dundonian influences on his speech in the movie. Particularly in the line "Eh'm jist efter bein awa doon tae Londin tae see thon Edward Longshanks, um ah?" Not only picking up the dialect, but using that well known peculiarity that Dundonians have of finishing a sentence with a question, do they? Historically inaccurate the film was nevertheless a box office success and who can forget the impassioned voice over at the end?

.....In the year of our Lord, thirteen fourteen, patriots of Scotland starving and outnumbered charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen and won their freedom.....

I had the pleasure of seeing this movie the week it was released in The Odeon cinema in Glasgow. A theatre that holds 1500 people and it was packed. At the end of the speech, a wee Glasgow bloke at the front stood up on his seat back and addressed the rest of the audience. "Too right we did!" We??? I don't think you were there pal! Thirteen fourteen isn't just before quarter past one! "They fought like warrior poets." No wonder we always got hammered! "Right, put the spears away, I've got an ode!" "Cripes, they're using conventional weaponry....quick, hit them with a....limerick!"